"Number Ten," Sue Townsend

For some reason the first few "Adrian Mole" books were in the kids' section of my childhood library, and I read and enjoyed them. But I prefer to leave him in the mists of memory, perpetually on the cusp of losing his virginity to the beauteous Pandora. So I picked this up instead, because it's a farce about Tony Blair and who doesn't hate Tony Blair and want bad things to happen to him in some sort of wacky hell? Hey, I liked "The Queen and I"!

What I didn't realize was that reading this book was going to be the equivalent of listening to "Holding Out For a [Socialist] Hero." There's this weird current (I was going to say undercurrent, but considering that the Blair figure spends most of the book in drag, it's more like a raging torrent) of anger at Blair, not because of anything he's done, but because he and his pals are just so goddamn New Man. Apparently when Labour got back into power, not only were they supposed to restore the welfare state, but they were also supposed to be all musclebound, like real working men, and not quite so into grooming products and cookery, but like, they'd be sensitive too, just not quite so, you know, gay. They're all so girly! Where have all the good men gone, where are all the gods, etc.

The whole "watered-down politics=personal effeminacy" idea gets the worst when you get to the parts about pseudo-Gordon Brown. Suddenly the tone changes from contemptuous to something ickily near adoring. Size-related adjectives are used several times. And our Troo Socialist Hero likes sports! And socialism! But he still likes babies! And his delicate wife! (No, really, I'm not making any of this up. All in the text, ladies and gents.) It's like Sue Townsend got tired and decided to slot in pages from Polly Toynbee's secret fanfiction archive.

It made me realize - it must have been really easy to appeal to a certain section of society as the Hope of True Socialism if all you had to do to earn your laurels was not wash your hair and be tall and kind of lardy. Alas, appearance doesn't guarantee a true red-blooded performance (wakka wakka! Tip your waitress.)

Anyway, I was hoping it would end with the everyman hero hooking up with his alky lady love, but that plot thread is entirely dropped in favor of fictional Gordon getting one over on fictional Tony by winning the heart and mind of the fictional Tony Blair spawn. Why? Is there no happiness in this world? Tony Blair may have betrayed socialism but that doesn't mean that he doesn't believe in the power of looooove!

Whatever, I don't blame Townsend for falling down on this one; real Tony Blair is so amazing that it must be hard to satirize the man. Still, you'd think that she'd get that Tony is only gay for one man - himself, er, I mean Jesus! But aren't the two really the same thing?

At least it wasn't as horrific as "Trial of Tony Blair" - "Oh no, Tony, we moved into a Muslim neighborhood! How ironic!" Noooooo.